october 14, 2010

got up this morning and did my centering prayer.

went to the bank to put money back in.
got murphy his energy paste.

came home and did centering prayer for 45 minutes.

did my spiritual reading cynthia bourgeaut
and mello on awareness.

in centering prayer i am changing from using a word
to using my sacred breath when i have a thought, picture
or emotion. hard in teh beginning since i am so used to a word.


i seem to be in a letting go mode.
the officials really don't want to give you any information
until they get your name and social security number.

and there is a laot of overcharging going on.

also the people that have the jobs and are decent intelligent people
know what the system is doing - so when i ask the questions that i do
they seem to have no answer - how can they answer an honest question
with an inaccurate anser - so i came to the conclusion i am just
going to let it go.

in doing c.p. i just arrive
i have no agenda
i seek no answer
i don't look to get anything from it
the thoughts come
the insights come
i just let them all go.

some of them are enticing
hmmm - just let it go.

i don't know if you go in and out of this
letting go -
i'm so used to driving the car and thinking or having
a stream of consciousness - but today when i became aware of that when
driving the car i just let it go - what's the sense of that i said to
myself of just letting it go - what is the benefit - i don't know i said to myself-

everything to me is always geared for a reason
to better yoursel
always with the goal of making mney

i like making mney
it is fun

will letting go make me money
i don't know.
maybe it will.

i am going to see if letting go of things during the day takes me on a different
path - i am going to try to be without an agenda.

this all somehow revolves around writing stories
and writing on the machine
and john and my life.

i want to go to ecuador for two weeks in july 2011
and the month of december 2011.

july they are having an inport and export tour
as well as exploring the coast and the inland of ecuador.

demember they usually have the shamanic tour

the seminar on international business made ez was
good. if i had two hundred thou - i would invest
it with their bank.

we have a tank in the back room of my house
which houses a turtle.

john says it is luke's turtle but it isn't
i want to let the turtle out but john says
he wants to keep it.

anyway the damn turtle keeps on getting out of the
tank
and ends up on the floor of the kitchen
this has been going on for a year.

i tell john the turtle has found a way out
john says it is impossible.

of course the turtle floats itself up to the top
of the tank
then it pearches itself on a rock and somehow crawls
up the side of the tank and heaves itself over
of course the tank has a cover on top it but there is
a slight space between the top of the tank and the cover
leave it to your imagination.

anyway we went to the seminar and we came home
and jaime and tommy said the turtle got out and
they found it in the kitchen.

here we go go again
john doesn't beleive them
but i do.

jaime's rendition is that the turtle used the plastic
figamagig in the tank to float to the top
pushes it on the top rock
and then pushes himself up an over the top of the
tank

so as not to hurt himself he buries himself inside his
shell and falls to the ground which is about four
feet from the floor.

anyway that is the story of the turtle.

getting back to my story of meghan and pete and molly
i am not really into that story.

i like beginnings middles and endings.

the library closes at 5 o'clock.
it's 3:58 p.m.

meghan came out on to the porch and smelled the air.
she closed her eyes and breathed in.

walking a few feet she was at the top step
when she saw the apple tree in her mind's eye.

it was a full foliage tree
lush and green
its branches bore the weight of its fruit bravely

there were round red apples everywhere
meghan reached out and touched one

she pulled it from its branch and
held it in her hand.

she looked at it intently
it was round like a small globe
it was hard like the earth beneath her feet
its color was a brilliant red
and she could feel its weight in her hand

it was the reddest apple she had ever seen

as she gazed at it the color began to change
and it turned to a golden reddish and
the more she looked at it
the globe began to turn
slowly at first
until it picked up speed and it was
turning faster and faster

meghan was mesmerized by the object in her hand
and felt herself being drawn into it.

she lost all sense of thought.
she lost all sense of feeling and smell

for a moment she turned her head to the right
and was drawn out of the circle

ever so slowly she moved her head back
and found herself spinning with the globe
spinning and spinning until she was not longer on
the porch but she was inside the globe
at its center

where am i she thought
but she didn't think it she was it.
she knew where she was
right there at the center

it was magical
it was restful
it was happening
it was being

she realized she could go anywhere she wanted when she was
in this globe
she knew its secret

it was just to be and she was there.

meghan stepped out of the globe
and looked down at her hand
she held the red apple
all shiny and hard in her hand


what does it all mean she wondered
"i don't know." she said aloud.

but i do know i can go there anytime i want.
and then she remembered the magic rock she
had when she was seven.

she covered the apple with her hand
and breathed in a small brath
she felt its roundness
and she felt its firmness
and she felt its smoothness

she unovered her hand
and the round rock in all its magic lay there.
meghan closed her fist tightly around
the small shape in her hand and went inside.



okay so when i did that i closed my eyes
and i could feel myself stepping into the circle
so what does it mean to be at the center of something
and what has that got to do with my writing
do i want it to have something to do with my writing
or does this surpass my writing
do i have to choose between this and my writing
maybe that's what i am afraid of
giving up something that i want to do - writing
for this other thing - makes no sense or does it.

if i didn't want something
what would i be

i always want something
if i didn't want something
what would i do all day
that boggles my mind

i can't sit all day and do nothing.

i am so used to a schedule
can i have a schedule and do nothing.

hmm -
i like knitting too.
i like praying too.
i like christ too.
i like solitude too.
i like people too.
i sometimes like john too.
i like my grandchildren.
i like my friends.
i even like my enemies.
i like money too.
i like business too.
i like myself too.
sometimes not
most of the time yes.

hmm-
i like writing too.
i don't like pulling things out of my head though
that's what i don't like about writing
but i think you have to do that - particularly with
writing to get where you are going - a beginning
middle and an end.

watched an interesting movie last night on columbia
am going to learn spanish.
time is 4:29.

i'll give it a go.


the doctor came out of Molly's room and glanced at the
floor. he hadn't notice the red and withe stiped rug
there befoer he went in to see Molly and what the heck
difference did it make if he saw it or not.

"what am I thinking," the old man shook his head.

Pete turned the corner of the hallway and saw the
doc looking at the floor shaking his head.

"doctor, what is it, what is wrong with Molly?"

"Pete, we have to get Molly professional help."
"why what is it?"

"I don't know Pete. how long has it been since Meghan's
been gone?"

"Two years, doc. two years next month."

"well, whatever is wrong with molly is beyond my expertise."

"what are you saying, doc?"

"i'm saying that you should consider st. helen's mental
asylymn in petersville."

"doc, I can't do that. for god's sake we are talking
about Molly."

I know pete. i know. but she's not getting any better.
it's just a suggestion. think about it. if you agree
I'll make the arrangements and have her admitted and we'll
see what they can do."

"all right, doc. thanks for coming. i'll let you know
my decision in a few days."

"Okay, Pete, i'll find my way out. i gave her a shot of
morphine to calm her down so right now she's resting
comfortably."

"ok, doc, thanks."

"it's ok, pete. and Pete --"

"Yes."

"don't wait too long about st. helen's. molly needs
help."

"ok, doc, i'll think real hard on the matter. and
search and pray for guidance."

"the old man looked at Pete. don't do anything foolish.
be careful where you search and pray for this guidance."

Pete, looked at the doc. "ill be careful I promsie."

the old man shook his head and with one last long glance
at pete he turned and walked down the stairs.

time is 4:40 p.m.