awareness

awareness
anthony de mello
time is 10:28 am in the library.

page 160
saying nothing about love.

"He sent the people away, and after doing
that he went up to the mountain to pray alone.
it grew late and he was there all by himself."

at first glance this passage is self-contradictory
because if he sent the people away he should have
already been alone, but it says it grew late and he
was there all by himself - which indicates to me that there
was a time when he is alone but only when it
grew late was he there by himself which indicates at one
time there was somebody else with him even though he was
alone which the word alone to me denotes being with no one
else but yourself.

matthew told his friends to go home. he had to think and
pray by himself.

peter protested and said he wanted to stay.

No, go back to the hotel said matthew sternly.

all right, but i'll be back tomorrow at 8.

ok, said matthew, see you at 8:00.

peter gave his friend a pat on the back which grew into
a man hug, and said tomorrow then.

yes, tomorrow, said matthew.

james and john followed their friend peter to the car
and all three scrambled into the 1955 ford.

peter closed the door and turned the ignition.

james and john began to speak at once.

james being the louder got his question out first.
peter, what does it all mean?

I don't know said Peter.

John, quipped in. well, there is definitely a change going on.

yes, there is said Peter. Yes, there is.

the three friends lapsed into silence and Peter pulled the
car into the highway and headed towards landmart a small
town off the coast of ireland.

they had come to ireland because it was next on their list.
their list of delivering the message.

peter's mind drifted as he drove the car.
they had only been here a week.
this was to be their final destination
the four friends had been on the move motivated by
their love for matthew. they believed in him. he had
a message and they were there to help him get it across.

but something had happened to matthew. peter searched his
mind trying to pinpoint the exact time when matthew seemed
to grow distant. no, it wasn't distant it was more like
a deep thoughtfulness. he was introspective, focused on within.

matthew had his moments, but peter had never seen him like
this.

he was becoming almost hermit like.
yes, that was the word hermit.

now, he had rented this cottage on the bluff of a mountain
overlooking the pacific ocean.

it was secluded.
you could only reach it by hiking for an hour
through the woods.

the boys had a hard time finding it.

but peter's persistence had paid off.
he was good that way.

everything was fine they had signed into the hotel
had two adjoining rooms and it was a week ago that
they had different sections of the town to scout it
out and see what the population was like and how
they would process their plan.

they had met that night in the restaurant of the
hotel and had ordered a simple meal.

matthew had been a little quiet
peter noticed that he wasn't his usual chatty self
but it wasn't so outlandish that his friend was
quiet.

peter had inquired of matthew how his day was.

and matthew said it had been good.

he had spent most of the morning in one part of
the small town watching the men come in with
their fishing catch.

that's all you did said peter. sat on a rock and
watched fisherman.

well, not exactly said matthew i met this man.

the way he said it
caused john and james to stop talking and put their
attention on matthew.

who was he said john.

i don't exactly know i am going to meet him tomorrow
at noon.

well, what did he say said peter.

well, said matthew i was intrigued with the men and
the boats and i had my camera so i was taking some
pictures for the article i was thinking of writing.

i was aware that someone had approached me from the
side and was standing there silently watching me
watching the fisherman.

You know, Matthew,--

i stopped snapping pictures and took a good look at him.

how did you know my name?

he said he saw it on my camera case.

oh, okay.

well, what else did he say?

well, he said the strangest thing.
i was sitting there watching the fishermen haul in their catch

when he said,

Matthew, how would you like to be the fisherman of men.

Peter, James and John sat there and looked at Matthew.

Peter was the first to talk.

what the hell does that mean, fisherman of men?

I don't know said Matthew. I asked him what it meant
and that is when he told me to meet him tomorrow at 12.

John, who hadn't said anything looked at Matthew
quzically.

I've heard that before somewhere.

what do you mean said matthew?

i don't know but I remember my mother reading to me
when i was a kid from an old book she had. she said
it was passed down from generation to generation.

it was something about a man who appeared in a fishing
village and talked the men into going on a journey with him.

something to do with like you said being fishermen of men.
or something like that.

hmm, said matthew.
what was the name of the book.

i don't remember matthew just some book that was handed
down in my family.

where's the book now?

i don't know probably back in the states someplace.
in my great aunt's attic more than likely.

john laughed
but matthew remained serious.

when we get back to the states i'd like to see it.

sure, matthew, when we get back to the states i'll
look for it.

the four friends fell silent each in their own thoughts.

matthew puzzled by his new found friend.

peter, eyeing matthew suspiciously. he never seen
matthew like this before. he was always so sure of himself.
but tonight he seemed a little agitated, distant, disassociated
from the group.

james and john looked at peter and matthew concern in their eyes
they glanced at each other across the table and grew silent.