ponderings

gift of the convent

probably more than one gift
my humanity
my sexuality
my friends
my writings

complete loss of myself
who i was up till then

complete loss of my identity
probably a new birthing
which took many years to happen

a really deep depression
a great deal of emotional pain
loss of the convent
loss of michael
loss of my friends
complete aloneness
complete abandonment of my personal relationship
with Christ

but yet i could always go to sleep at night
i always had that comfort - the same as i do
now - that no matter what i was thinking, or
felt i had done, or sins that i had committed
when i went to sleep at night = i knew that god
still loved me = that was comforting = even in
my nuttiness i still knew that = and held on to
that.

when i came out of the convent nothing was the same.
nothing nothing nothing.

i had lost eveything