today is saturday
and i am just coming off
of workikng on a medical malpractice
trial, chase v the best western.

last week i worked on a trial for a whole
week, sedlack auto body
jury award him $1500
sullivan county juries i'll never know
how they come up with these verdicts
$1500 it is a joke
why award anything
i don't get it.

then there were the pains in my stomach
this whole week
the first three days anyway
they are pretty much gone by now.

audrey is gone
carolyn's father is gone
they fought the good fight
and now they're gone.

i was looking at dollhouses tonight on
the internet
man they are expensive
some of them are $600
i was thinking of making one and putting my family in it.

but maybe i'll just buy a house and home book
and a home and garden book
and paint a picture from that
then i'll fill it with a mom and dad
and a sister and a brother
maybe some relatives
a grandmother
a grandfather
and a couple of uncles and aunts.

think i'll start out small though

what if it was a mother and a father and just one kid.

i am trying to get totally into centering prayer
because if i am going to teach it as a way for
some people to have something to look forward to
i need to know as much about it as i can learn

the spiritual side of man
following your inner guide

sometimes i sit here and i think to myself
if everything is gone
house
husband and kids
grandchildren
there is nothing left
what do i have.
it's easy for me to say nothing
and it is okay
but is it really okay.
do i really not care about this
or do i care but see a higher shelf to this

it's easy to think about things like this
when you have a roof over your head
food in your belly
your teeth taken care of
and if your cold you can put another log on the fire

what about those who don't have that option.
wake up rub their eyes
look to the sky to see if it is at least going to be a warm day
maybe the sunlight is all they have
maybe that's their morning warmth
no hot coffee
no hot latte

no mama offering juice and saying drink up.
or how about the bacon the frying pan
with toast and butter
and a sweet tea with cream to dip everything into
umm - that tastes good you say

but what if your life was totally different.

you did give all this up once
readily walked up to the gates
and said here i am
teach me everything you can
show me the way

there were no possessions
i really didn't care
or want any possessions.

but i did manage to get my driver's license
before i went in.

so you walk here now amidst it all.
you have it all.

if i had a million dollars what would i buy
it's not jewelry
although i can appreciate a good piece
it's not a mink coat
although i really do think they are beautiful
and i don't know if i care about the screams of
the mink
when i stop and think about it i do
hence i would never buy a mink coat.

there is not too much i can do to make this world right
all i can do is love my creator
that is the least i can do
because i can't do anything else.

so i do centering prayer
or lately i attempt to do centering prayer
because the thoughts come
the pictures come
the incessant thoughts come.

i would imagine that if i really tapped into my
center
i would be solely creative.
creativeness would seep out of my pores
words would fly from my fingers
i would have stories to spin the
likes you have never heard of
never toched the depth and breath of.

maybe my words and poetry are not for the
likes of this world
but they are for the next
maybe i am writing for the next world
the world of luke, audrey, my father, mother
and even carolyn's father.

maybe there is a bookstore in the next world
where my book is picked up and my stories read
for their humore, kindess, thoughfulness, soul searching,
adventure, joy, mystery and friendship.

maybe that is the only kind of writing there is.

to me writing is like a puzzle,
not exactly a puzzle
but i would like to put it into an organizational essay.

i like that
that is fun.

the order of it
the chaos of it

you put people in
you take people out

you put a dog in
yank him out.

you know sometimes i am in a place
and people disappear
nobody tells me
they are just gone
a few months down the road
i'll say, hey joan, whatever happened to
that guy who used to work in the commissioner's
office.
"oh he left."
"where did he go."
"oh, he just didn't come to work one day. nobody
know where he went."

now, don't you think that is odd.
i think that is odd
that's what people say to me.

that used to happen in the convent too.
well, there were 84 of us in the group
you'd turn around and i'd say where's sister
thomas, i haven't seen her lately.

"Oh, she left. didn't you know?"
"no, I didn't know."

i just think it is weird how people leave and
nobody thinks to tell me they are gone.

I always thought that was odd.
it still is odd.

it's like they can't quote unquote gossip aobut it.
yeah, right.
well, at least put it up on the bulletin board so
we are all given fair warning that someone has left,
gone, disappeared.